Thursday, November 30, 2006

i blame matt lauer

there was a rash and hurtful accusation thrown out over our bowls of cereal this morning, one that i would like to publicly address (anonymously). b has accused me of being a closet germaphob. which i am not. truly. awareness of germ-related facts does not make one a germaphob. i refuse to be classed with those i so gleefully mock

this is how it all went down.

the today show* was doing one of it's twice-weekly segments on how dirty and germy the world is. usual schtick. but b was actually listening and laughed when they said that you should close the toilet seat when you flush because it cuts down on bathroom bacteria. DUH. i mean, that's about as well known as the fact that the average office desk is dirtier than a toilet. so when i looked at him with shock (and concern - dear god, my toothbrush must be so dirty!) he couldn't believe that i actually knew that. and i always close the toilet seat for this very reason. religiously. (but not in an OCD way.)

and then he said it: you're a closet germaphob. like a knife through my heart, i tell you.

his evidence is as follows:
1. i know about the toilet thing. (he doesn't know that i know the average office desk is dirtier than a toilet. but he doesn't read my blog, so nanner-nanner!)
2. i carry purell on my key chain.
3. i like to make fun of germabhobs. (he says it takes one to know one)

my rebuttal:
1. i happen to remember a few of the germ facts matt lauer is always grossed out about. so what? i have a good memory and i'm smart. this means nothing.
2. i don't like the way my hands smell after pumping gas and i also ride the train everyday. it's crowded in there, and sometimes people breath on my hands, which YES does gross me out and requires some purell. also, a secondary defense is that they sell that purell keychain at target in the checkout lane. it was purell or chocolate. i had to buy something.
3. i also make fun of stupid people, balding men who refuse to shave their heads and poor dressers, so this logic is flawed. oh, and republicans. i love to make fun of republicans, and i'm definitely not one of those.

so you see, i am not a closet germaphob. and i'd like an apology. but b doesn't read my blog, so if someone sees him, please tell him to apologize to his wife. thank you.

*ok, i realize i probably shouldn't watch the pseudo-news that is the today show. i realize i should be above that, as a self-proclaimed enlightened media snob. (have i not proclaimed that i'm a self-enlightened media snob? well, consider it proclaimed.) (oh, and this clearly doesn't apply to celebrity trash, which i love to roll around in and absorb - but only real news.) where was i? the today show. yes. i have to watch it because it gives much needed precision and punctuality to my morning. first of all, i like to putz around in the morning. second, our apartment is markedly without clocks, and the clocks that we do have are all different. for psychological reasons. anyway, i know that i have to start breakfast by the time al says "let's see what's happening in your neck of the woods" after the 8:00 round of news. and i also know that if i'm not out of the apartment by the next time the local weather comes on, then i'm late. the today show basically functions as my mother in the morning. and thus i watch.

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