Friday, December 29, 2006

damn you sallie mae, and a pre-vacation jig

i had planned on the last blog prior to a sun and liquor drenched week in the caribbean being funny, sassy, smart and in general fantastic. that was totally my plan today. but the best laid plans, no? (what a great intro, s. this blog isn't going to be good. so thanks for reading.)

i'm applying for a fellowship for my last year of academia. ever. for real, yo. lucky year eleven. anyway, part of the application requires listing all of your student loans. all. of. your. student. loans. like, ever. [shudder] before adding those bad boys up, i wrote "n/a" next to "non-education loans" ... with the hope that it'd make me feel better. yeah, not so much.

so after i hunted them down, and added them up (thrice, just to be sure) and then trying not to swallow my tongue, seeing as how i was having a seizure and all, i emailed B. turns out the estimated amount i've been claiming lo these five years since we met was, hm, a touch shy of reality. sonofa ... but for a couple with three graduate degrees, one being a JD, i guess we're in pretty alright shape (read: not quite to the point of jumping out a window). if someone socked me with a thirty thousand dollar surprise, i'd have handled it with less grace than he.

turns out this last blog for a while is a big thank you to B. you're the best. thanks for not freaking out. or rather, not communicating your freaking out to me via email, which would have seriously compounded my freaking out. what a guy.

so this brings me to a bientot. not sassy and funny and smart, but it is what it is. hope the ford funeral rocks the pants off of dc - i'll be on the beach, suckas.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

home for the holidays

to the aliens who took my crazy parents and replaced them with normal parents: keep them. i don't care what you're doing to those nuts ... probing, whatever ... just don't bring them back. those fake normal parents you left at their house didn't fool me, but i much prefer them.

i can't remember the last time i was sad to leave my parents' house. but christmas morning, after 2 days of actual normal human interaction, as we pulled away at 7am and my dad* waved through the picture window, i couldn't help but cry a little. there were a couple years, after my brother moved out and before my dad lost his job, when my parents were great. but the last five years have been a little rough, to put it nicely. maybe their township has started putting paxil in the water supply along with flouride.

the only downer (ok, not only - my brother's car did break down on the way over, which became something of a fiasco, but how cute was it when we pulled up the gas station and the oldest nephew was signing** "the car broke! the car broke!") was that i may have broken my hand on a digital camera display at meijer. the damn thing was attached with some super elastic rope to keep people from stealing it ... i dropped it and it sprung back on my hand at the speed of light. or sound. there may have been a sonic boom. anyway, that was saturday. it still hurts like a mother. it may have been my fault ... because i may have been drunk. but what's a trip to michigan without a drunken midnight trip to meijer? no trip i want to be a part of, nosirree.

the fam in detroit was pretty normal too - lots of drama and gossiping. standard fare. there was a little tiff between B and the terd that's married to his mom, but i wasn't there to witness it and B was sparse on the details.*** also, the youngest nephew decided to announce to all of barnes & noble yesterday: "i'm going ca-ca uncle B"!**** stellar.

as an aside, i saw this product in the in-flight catalog. i loves my ipod, but - really?

*who barely said three words to us the last time we were there.
**my brother's children sign, because their mother doesn't hear, and it's the fricking cutest thing you'll ever see in your whole life.
***which is killing me because i am really fucking nosy and i want to know every single syllable that was exchanged.
****he doesn't actually call B uncle B - but he does actually call me auntie s. he knows my name, but that's my nickname. killer cute.

Friday, December 22, 2006

what's in a name?

we had a little pre-christmas last night, and it was swell. there were ipods and peacoats and earrings, oh my! the earrings i thought the postman stole magically appeared after three weeks and they are *magnificent* ... the pearls are big and perfect, the diamonds sparkly enough. it was a christmas miracle, i'm not gonna lie. the best gift, though, wasn't the biggest. and i'm pretty sure it wasn't supposed to make me cry. or relive childhood torment ...

when i was a kid, i never got anything with my name on it. not because my parents hated me or anything ... but i'm not mary or amy or melissa. they don't make little license plates or key chains with my name on it. it never seemed quite fair. and my friends' parents would try, they really would, but the party favors, little wooden shoes (this is what happens when you grow up in holland, michigan) and other pointless knick-knacks would have my name, but spelled wrong. i've seen more variations on my name ...

so i've relied on s. i sign emails and letters that way, have a pottery barn s on my side of the bed, and have piles of s notecards. i blog as s. i was thrilled the first time i got business cards with my name professionally printed ...

last night, rk gave me a bag from LL Bean with my full name sewn on. not just s, not sm or sb, the whole thing.

what's funny is that rk had no idea about all these strange childhood issues, this love/hate relationship with my name. but b does, and when he saw it, all he could do was clasp his hand to his mouth and try to will me not to cry.

isn't that what a best friend should be able to do? give you a perfect gift without even knowing?

Thursday, December 21, 2006

virginia's fightin' fifth

you all thought it was laziness that has kept me a michigander (in license plate at least) low these nearly four years i've lived in virginia. nope, that's not it.

it's because i'd rather be associated with this than this.

i've only ever been to virginia's fightin' fifth once in my life, but when i was there, the beloved western michigan university broncos smooshed whatever the weird mascot is at UVA. i hope somewhere in the stands, virgil* was sulking.

*the intolerant sonofabitch that represents virginia's fightin' fifth.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

guest blogger: david letterman!!!

ok, not really. did it work? are you reading? i only said that because i have a top ten list. a top ten list of things that have been going on since i haven't been blogging obsessively. i like to think i've been funny in real life. though it seems unlikely. i know.

1. seriously, what the fuck is going on with the orange line? seriously. orange line, do you hate me? have i offended you? what's the deal? because today i waited 20 minutes for a train during rush hour. orange line, that's not the way it's supposed to work. not. during. rush. hour. please.

2. i'm pretty sure my fly was down during the train ride after i waited a full 20 minutes for a damned train. yes, pretty sure. how do i know? let me tell you. i got to work, and was chatting with nice boss and craptastic boss for about ten minutes (mainly about what the fuck is up with the orange line) and craptastic (or creeptastic) boss was starting at my pants the whole time. i thought i'd spilled coffee on my pants. but then i walked past a coworker and she kindly (like a normal homosapien would do) said, hon, your fly is down. now i know creeptastic boss was staring at my vijajay. creep.

3. a friend and coworker had her last day today, followed by the obligatory visit to a fav bar in the neighborhood, with $5 martinis. they're like those chips that you can't just eat one of - pringles? doritos? who knows. after $25 worth of $5 martinis, it's hard to remember commercials and the like. anyway. love those martinis, the bartender that is probably sharon osborne's long lost sister, and that this friend never has to deal with aforementioned creeptastic boss again. (did i mention he draws nekkid ladies? shudder.) also, the pommes frites with the herb garlic aeoli? get out of here.

4. thanks to myspace, we finally reconnected with some old pals and roommates from college that we hadn't talked to in for-fricking-ever. so awesome. sometimes myspace is creepy (or maybe just when i'm using it to stalk people from high school) but this time it really paid off. which is sweet.

5. also, we leave for st. martin in 10 days. which is also sweet.

6. i went tanning yesterday, which yes i know is awful and terrible and i'm definitely getting cancer from, but godDAMN did it feel good. B thinks i'm going to turn orange, but it will be covered by layers and layers of caribbean sun, so no matter.

7. some newman-esque figure at the usps is totally giving the pearl and diamond earrings B bought me for christmas to his mistress. sonofabitch. at least B got a refund.

8. when i wrap presents after $25 worth of $5 martinis, turns out the gifts don't look so hot. sorry, rk.

9. is it wrong that i bought one of my nephews every single dinosaur in target? is that too much? and what do you think the baggage handlers at national are going to say when they see that in the x-ray?

10. also, borders is way better than barnes & nobles.

i didn't mean to come up with 10 things, but i got to 8 and then felt i had to keep going. so if 9 and 10 are lame, sorry. you should get a medal for reading all those anyway. let me know. i'll mail you a medal. seriously. but i can't guarantee it won't be made of tin foil and left over holiday ribbon. a medal is a medal. don't complain.

UPDATE: my sister-in-law just said the funniest thing ever to me:

sure, christmas is about giving. ok. but it's also about fucking over those family members that have fucked you over all year.

the sweet baby jesus would be so, so proud.

Monday, December 18, 2006

metro monday vii: B is taking over

it's going to be a few weeks before i'm able to do a proper monday morning ... no complaining here. B has kindly stepped up again to offer today's gem.

There was this lady sitting next to me who was sneezing all over the place. I'm for sure going to get sick. It was pretty gross. Then she proceeded to blow her nose for about five straight minutes.

I chose this seat for a reason, because it looked as though sitting next to this woman would present the least amount of annoyance. Turns out I was wrong.

I was debating whether or not to move but ultimately I stayed put because I didn't want to draw attention to myself. ugh...

and this, my friends is why i have purell on my keychain. i definitely would have gotten up. i would have gotten up, looked at her with pursed lips, sighed, and put purell on my hands right then and there.

now if you'll all excuse me, i'm cleaning my closets. god i love days off. (or, god i'm weird.)

Sunday, December 17, 2006


a plane lands at princess juliana international airport - st. martin.

we'll be making this landing in two short weeks!

the blogging will be far and few between for the next few weeks - but come january i'll be rested, relaxed and ready to attack dc with a fresh snarkiness!

Friday, December 15, 2006


"I think Mary is going to be a loving soul to her child. And I'm happy for her," Bush said in an interview with People magazine.

1. i thought ya hated the gays?
2. what the fuck does a loving soul mean?
3. when did the POTUS start giving People interviews?

it's time for the weekend.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

caffeine update

cups of coffee: 3
diet cokes: 2
red bulls: 1

hours until last exam is over: 29

29 hours from being officially half way through law school: priceless.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

how not to study for an exam

my brain and i have this deal. in exchange for being allowed to wander aimless through class most days, the brain does me a little favor. in the couple days before an exam, she allows me to open it up, pour in every little bit of information, and then magically organizes it for me, like that coin counter at chevy chase bank. instead of a receipt, she spits out a well-organized exam that gives the unsuspecting professor the impression that i'd been dutifully paying attention throughout the entire class, and we're both happy. it's a win-win, really. and this was working quite well. until today.

today the brain has decided to act like a toddler faced with a spoon full of strained peas and not open up. not even a crack. but i supposed i did facilitate this, by making two errors that made brain believe study time is over:

1. i scheduled a reunion lunch with some old coworkers that would certainly run close to two hours. in reston.

2. before said long lunch, i allowed brain to convince me that we didn't need to do any work before, that a break was ok. so i didn't start studying at my usual study time, 9am. (this usually gives me about a half hour after B leaves to putz around online and get it out of my system.) brain needs a routine, or she gets unruly.

before i knew it, it was 2:30, and i was sleepy from a big long lunch. then brain convinced me a little nap wouldn't be so bad, and an hour and a half later we're having a big fight because she still doesn't want to get out of bed. damn you brain!

now i'm trying to show her i'm serious about this studying thing, dragging her across the street in my pjs and hoodie (oh, yes, we are going out in public like this. well you should have thought about that before the hour and a half nap, missy!) to buy not one but two sugar free red bulls. did you see that, brain? i bought two! one for tonight, and one for tomorrow. TWO!*

the problem as i see it is that i negotiated with the brain. i gave her an inch, and she took a mile. and now i have 48 hours to learn a frightful amount of con law after having let her run wild in that class all semester. of course, the problem could be that i've finally snapped and gone completely insane - and have begun considering my brain a separate independent personality.

it's a toss-up.

*brain never lets me buy two redbulls at a time, because at that point i should just buy a little carton of four, and that just seems excessive. only truckers need that much red bull.

Monday, December 11, 2006

metro monday vii: playing from home

there's no monday commute this week either, and although b was kind enough to step in last monday, he seemed less than eager to participate today. so instead i'm going to do two things today:

1. i'm inviting people to please comment with their metro monday stories from this morning; and

2. i'm going to offer some thrilling observations i made between 8:30 and 9:00 am when i am usually on the train. which should be funny and/or mildly pathetic. here goes:

- tom cruise really does have man-boobs these days.

- how many colors of highlighter do i have on this hoodie? (i'm still counting)

- i've been listening to christmas music for 21 days straight. overly religious songs are much less annoying when sung by frank sinatra.

- having only an orange for breakfast is a bad idea. i need some cereal.

- i am sick and tired of studying for exams. (varieties of this observation: i hate this shit; i still don't understand the difference between mens rea and actus reus - why can't we use english words?; i wonder what the curve will be like in this class; and ooh, i can't forget to get a red bull and snickers bar before this exam - otherwise i will fail.)

- when i get a piano (obviously requiring a home larger than 600 square feet) the first thing i'm learning to play is that linus and lucy song.

- does the president really talk to his dog like this? because, shit. i love dogs, but i don't think for a second that pumpkin is going to give me reliable advice on national security.

Sunday, December 10, 2006


i have been delinquent in this habit lately, and for that i apologize.

the lighthouse in my hometown, all decked out in her december best.

i came across this picture and the pangs of homesickness* were especially strong ... i've been longing for some meteorological confirmation that it is, in fact, about two weeks from christmas. today, as we helped rk with christmas lights and garland, i was watching robins flit around in the green grass and needed no jacket. and i miss the snow. i've been trying to fill the emptiness in my gut left by the lack of snow with charlie brown's christmas soundtrack, but i'm not having much success. i need the snow, damn it.

in a couple weeks, we'll make the pilgrimage to michigan to be with the families, and you are all welcome to roll your eyes when i blog afterwards with complaints about the cold and the snow. but for now, after putting up christmas lights on a warm sunny day, i want the snow.

*homesickness may have been compounded by the truly normal and heartwarming hour-long conversation i had with my mom this evening.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

the SOG saga continues

it's exam time, people. i'm relying these days on the humor of guest bloggers too keep my huge (snicker, snicker) readership satisfied. ;)

some of you may remember SOG (sleepy old guy) from a few weeks ago. well, the laughs just keep on coming.

courtesy of rk:

so SOG has a friend who he worked with at some agency or another at the dawn of time who is now working here. my esteemed team leader refers to him as lurch. perfect name for him. he especially sounds like lurch.

lurch is in a temporary office on my floor over where my old office used to be. the big color printer is over there and yesterday i had to walk over to get something from the printer.

i happened to glance in lurch's office to see him......


yep you got it. sleepy old guy's friend also seems to be a napper.

i forgot my print job and RAN back to team leader's office and told him. he immediately had to go check on a print job and shortly after reported that lurch was still asleep.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

are you my gynecologist or my mom?!

in the midst of the usual awkward small talk:

so no kids yet?

no, none planned. i'm in law school.

well these things don't necessarily need to follow strict schedules ...

um, i suppose ... that's ... true.

i'm sure your career is important, but just don't wait too long to have children. you're 27? i suppose you have a good 5 years. i'm sure as a lawyer you'd be able to work from home some, so that'd make things easier for you as a mom.

for a moment, i was really sure i might be in one of those weird dreams where i'm at the gynecologist and i'm getting a lecture about how i plan to balance a career and motherhood and it turns out the gyno is actually my mom, and she ends the appointment by snapping off her gloves and saying, now remember missy, i want a granddaughter! and you're not getting any younger!

and also let me say that this is a conversation i'd expect to have with a doctor in michigan, sure, where all my high school friends have elementary school aged children. but in dc? jesus. most people here at 27 go into seizures at the thought of getting married. starting a family? good grief, charlie brown. let a girl be, hm?

(note: this did serve to give some perspective. i'd actually much rather listen to chopin and re-read the federal rules of evidence for the 95th time than be chasing a toddler around. so, thank you, freakishly old-fashioned gynecologist. thank you for reminding me that i am happy with my life choices.)

Monday, December 04, 2006

metro monday vi: a guest blogger!

today, the oft-mentioned B has stepped up to the plate and taken on the weighty duty of coming up with material for metro monday. this is exam week one, and i've taken this and next monday off to prepare (read: make up for all the work i didn't get done during the semester).

B: Ok. I hate when I am standing in the middle of the train car and people want to get by or they stand too close to me and invade my personal space - even though there is more than enough room on the train. (s: B is adamant about moving to the middle of the train. nothing gets on his nerves more than when people stop in the doorway. he turns into a mean, glaring man when people do that ... kinda like how he gets when he's hungry.)

B: That happened to me today. It was girl, slightly taller than you and she was wearing boots. (you know how I hate that) (s: B really does not like it when women wear skirts and tall boots. he thinks boots should be worn underneath pants. i'm not really sure why he feels this way, but he does.)

B: So I was automatically annoyed. To punish her, I read her newspaper over her shoulder. (s: how polite is B, that his retribution for an invasion of personal space was to read the newspaper over her shoulder! i thought about changing that part to say that to punish her he pretended to tell me over the phone that he forgot to take his antibiotics but he was pretty sure the strep throat wasn't contagious anymore - but no, he read the paper over her shoulder. what a class act.)

B: I hope she learned her lesson. That's all I have.

s: my guess is that she was standing so close because, as we all know, my husband is a total babe. i don't know about all of you, but i think this was a great blog by B. thanks for pinch-hitting!