Monday, April 09, 2007

metro monday: speaking of martinis ...

dear non-descript woman on the train,

a few tips from a friend:

i can tell you dye your hair with clairol nice-n-easy. and i'm cool with that. i've been known to bust open a bottle of clairol in the day. and my mom lives on that stuff. i don't judge, really. but please pick a color that is not the precise color of your skin-tone. unless you are trying to look washed-out and ten years older than you really are. i'm just saying.

also, i would ditch the backpack that you bought from some wandering vendor on your cruise to jamaica. you may have thought it was cute and made you look "local" while you were spending your days shopping at port (ps it didn't), but it's really not something i'd ever take out of the closet again. not even for your next cruise.

but most importantly, let's talk about your feet. let's tackle the small problem first. literally. your shoes. are they your daughters? i don't ask because they were trendy and too young for you, no no, but because they were 2 sizes too small. your feet were hanging an inch off the back. not comfortable, i'm sure. and just not ok. they weren't hideous in and of themselves, i guess. i suppose i can get behind a light blue suede slide loafer i guess (although, definitely NOT with that awful souvenir backpack) ... but let's just think for a second. do you really want to wear those too-small shoes with bright blue socks? really? and not just any ol' bright blue socks, but bright blue with martini glasses on them. this really does bring us to a whole different level of analysis here.

my friend, i've enjoyed enough martinis in my short life to know a thing or two about them, though i've not quite reached the expert status i hope to acheive. (we all have goals, people.) what i do know, however, is that the experience isn't appropriately memorialized with bright blue, martini-glass embossed socks. i've honestly never seen anyone drinking a martini while wearing socks like that. promise. so if you're trying to communicate to the other commuters your sophistication vis-a-vis enjoyment of a nice martini, it didn't work.

but it did make me jones for a bellini at 8:45 am. or at least regret that i didn't splash some bailey's in my thermos of coffee. (which i would so never do.) so if that's what you were going for, kudos.

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