metro monday: ew.

these are the two winners i was jammed between this morning: sniffles mcfrumpy and man-who-sighs-heavily-into-my-hair.

let's start with sniffles.

i knew this woman was trouble when she walked up to me on the platform. a train had just passe, so there really weren't too many people waiting. but, despite all societal norms that suggest she stand a reasonable distance from me so as to not intrude into my personal space, she stood right next to me. our arms touching close to me. my guess is that she has a spot she stands so she's right in front of the door when the train stops, and i'm in that spot. so she's standing right effing next to me, all frumply and sniffly, and when the train pulls in, she gently shoves me to get closer to the door. oh, not today lady. i didn't shove back, but i didn't move. ok, i may have shoved back a little, but she started it!

so i got on the train first (sucka) and she stood next to me. she's one of those people that isn't that large, but insists on taking a lot of space. she's got one hand on this bar, she's leaning up against this one over here, and her elbows are splayed as she reads her trashy novel. her hair is sopping wet. i don't even think she took a towel to that mess. she is a mess. everytime the train stopped, she would mop up where her hair had dripped on her face, wipe her nose, scratch her eyes, wipe the edges of her mouth, and then put that wet, germy hand back up on the bar when the train started. what's more, every three seconds she'd sniffle. i was literally thinking, one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand, sniffle. and sure enough.

my inner germ-a-phob begins to freak out.

so that's on my right.

on my left, we have man-who-sighs-heavily-into-my-hair. sighs, as in, multiple sighs. i know, sir, that my suave conditioner is intoxicating. i'm aware. but please. try to control yourself.

turns out this was the least of my concerns, because he had a huge sneezing fit and pulled out a well-used, too small kleenex into which he blew his nose like his life depended on it.

i admit it, i was thrilled to find the bottle of purell at the bottom of my bag as i dug for my smartcard.