Wednesday, January 17, 2007

metro stinks.


i am pretty sure my particular train must have hit a deer somewhere between dunn loring and west falls church, or a whole herd of deers, and then proceeded to drag their bleeding, rotting carcases all the way down the orange line. are you wondering how i know what a bleeding rotting deer carcase smells like? ah, well let me tell you. a couple of christmases ago, back when b and i used to suffer the drive back to michigan, we hit some nasty weather just south of detroit. really nasty. and of course, the kia is less than stellar in those (or any) conditions ... and we ended up spinning out in the middle of the interstate. luckily, we didn't hit any other cars, but we were facing the wrong way on the shoulder. frankly, i was shocked that we hadn't careened right into the median. so i got out (since b couldn't very well open his door out onto on-coming traffic) to assess the situation. i yelled through the open window for him to rock back and forth a bit - i thought it looked like he could get unstuck pretty easily. well somehow rock back and forth ended with the rear passenger side tire spinning a whole mess of disgustingness onto ... moi. from head to toe. i was covered. but the car was free, so (in shock) as i peeled off my sweater and threw it in the backseat, b (annoyed) asked why the hell i was getting in the back. but i got in the front, and then he knew. we both knew. what had stopped us from careening into the median was a dead animal, which now covered me. in all its stankiness. it was a long, quiet car ride, my friends. i alternated between tears of anger (that was SOOOO not rocking back and forth) and pain (dear god, the stank!). and that ... that is basically what the train smelled like this morning.

also, there was a muppet murderer on the train this morning. seriously. he had this fleece on that honestly could only have been the skinned remains of a muppet. the green of this fleece (wait a minute - i did say fleece. it's 20 degrees outside and this joker's wearing a fleece. maybe there's something super warm about muppet fur) occurs nowhere in the natural world, and it was definitely the nappiness of a muppet. he was sitting behind a lawyer with whom i interviewed for a job at my old firm - who thankfully didn't recognize me. (i know i didn't even take the call-back interview, sir, but really i don't think you could pay me enough to go back to that place ... um ... and have a nice day ... there ... at ... that place ...)

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