metro monday: the end of an era edition

i had faith, going into this morning's commute, that the orange line would give me something/one spectacular this morning, an appropriate send-off on the last metro monday in her overcrowded cars. i wasn't sure if i'd be graced with an outrageously dressed commuter (maybe the gentleman i saw at clyde's in chinatown this weekend lost a bet and had to show up to work wearing the cape and cod piece?) or if i'd get a repeat of last week's off-loading and horrendously crowded platform.

but really, nothing spectacular happened at all. a few people sitting on the left, yada yada. b and i got to sit next to each other, which is pretty remarkable. there wasn't even a comb-over. i saw no white purses. there was no one pushing over a pregnant lady in a rush to score a seat. i did see a guy wearing a red sox cap with his suit, but much like this year's world series, it was incredibly anti-climatic.

i've got nothing people. nothing but a little sadness that i'm leaving an apartment and a neighborhood i love ... and a little hope that my new above-ground commute will provide fresh material.

so this is it, orange line. it's been real.

oh for fuck's sake, cnn.com

i am consistently disappointed in you, cnn, much like a midwestern mother trying to pretend her children aren't adults and demanding that the holiday be Just The Way They've Always Been. but this, truly, has taken things in a whole new direction.

Martial arts TV star picks presidential candidate

chuck norris? CHUCK NORRIS?

how is chuck norris' endorsement in the presidential race even on the list of possible news stories that could be covered on your well-read website? how, how, how? has one of The Onion's writers snuck onto your staff? have you been hacked by the same person who got into ann coulter's website last week, or that chick from The Hills' myspace page? and does anyone believe she isn't behind that sex tape scandal? i really need to think that there is some logical explanation for the reporting of this completely irrelevant presidential endorsement. because i've always been under the impression that chuck norris' relevance in national politics was one of the signs of impending apocalypse. obviously, my biblical knowledge is impressive.

on the bright side, if this means that the political opinions of people who truly don't matter are going to be real news, i'm for hillary. please leave me a comment for a full interview and headshot. i'll be waiting.

metro monday: the It's Almost As If I Never Left Michigan edition

brown dress shoes that very closely resembled the dock shoes my dad used to wear up north: not awesome.

wrinkled, too snug, been-through-the-dryer-one-too-many-times khakis: not awesome.

woven leather black belt that obviously did not match aforementioned shoes: not awesome.

unironed white button-up shirt, rolled up to your elbows: not awesome.

camouflage NRA baseball hat with little images of guns actually scattered throughout the camouflage: awesome.

there's no place like home for the holidays ...

i was so proud of myself this year, managing to wholly circumvent the annual holiday fight - the one big fight b & i have each year about holiday plans, with each of our families breathing down our necks, angling for an extra hour here or there. this, i thought, was especially impressive given that we are going to michigan for both christmas and thanksgiving - a trip that we usually forgo in favor of a quiet day of gorging ourselves at home with a friend or two. (i'm thinking PIE-ATUS, jen!!) this year, i simply worked out the bulk of the logistics when b was halfway around the world in singapore, and told him the plans when he returned. unnecessary spike in blood pressure averted!

but did i really think that the fates would let me get off so easily? GOD i'm so naive sometimes.

i guess the appropriate backstory here is that the thanksgiving trip, the one which was at the core of yesterday's motherly freak-out (though, to be fair, there was a touch of christmas thrown in for good measure), is because my brother's leaving soon for a year in kuwait. which is markedly not awesome, but also ... not iraq. i received a motherly ultimatum a few months ago, young lady, if your brother is going overseas, you had better come home for thanksgiving, or ... or ... i don't know. i would have anyway, but nothing like a nice ultimatum to really make the trip seem like some quality family time will be had. planning with my sister-in-law about logistics, with some consultation from my mom, led us to the realization that thanksgiving at my brother's house on saturday was the best option. flights were booked, et cetera, et cetera. except no one told me my grandma booked a flight to come in on thursday,* and we also decided christmas at the brother's house was the best option given that a flight for b & i to grand rapids would have cost a kidney.

i knew that christmas thing wouldn't go over well, but when i told my mom that little gem this weekend, she had a mild freak-out, so i thought we were done.

until yesterday.

1. apparently it turns out that having the holidays at my brother's house, 80 miles from where my parents live, is not a decision rooted in convenience and maximizing time together, but in fact a direct reflection on how my parents house is actually not good enough for me;

2. i am a terrible daughter for keeping my mom out of the loop by not telling her (though i have email documentation to the opposite) that thanksgiving was at my brother's house; my ignorance about my grandmother's flight* is feigned and a reflection of how evil and selfish a daughter i am;

3. she is calling me right now and there's no way i'm answering;

4. this holiday season actually isn't about getting to spend as much time with my brother as possible; instead, it is about logging the yearly quota of hours physically at my parents' house;

5. i am insufferably selfish.

this thanksgiving is going to be the Best Ever!


*it actually turns out my grandma has not yet booked her flight. so i guess that whole thing about how i've ruined thanksgiving for everyone, including my grandmother!, was a little premature.