Sunday, August 12, 2007

an open letter to the crazy woman that verbally accosted me in giant this afternoon

dear crazy woman:

although i did not get the chance to explain this to you today after you verbally assaulted me at giant, you should know that i parked my grocery cart in front of the stale, iced donuts and left to maneuver the chip aisle for doritos for b (how else, i ask, will he comfort himself when i'm gone this week for nephew-mania 2007?), in no way whatsoever to piss you off. in fact, as i buzzed into the unbelievably crowded chip aisle - the one into which i had decided not to bring my cart for fear of inconveniencing a whole aisle of people - i did not at first realize that i was the recipient of the random bitching. you see, i chose to park my cart in front of the stale, iced donuts because i thought, gosh, i definitely won't be in anyone's way here! obviously, no one is buying these gross chocolate and sprinkled stale things that have been sitting there since yesterday morning. no problems. la la la.

and also, if i'm telling you the truth, i didn't hear 90% of what you actually said, primarily because i truly had no idea that someone could be so angry about my blocking the stale, iced donuts. i thought for sure that someone had taken your cart, or had ran over your foot with a cart, or had taken your cart and then run over your foot with it.

but as i returned to my cart, noticing it had been shoved out into traffic, and seeing you still grumbling under your breath, i realized that, indeed, i was the recipient of your wrath. and i didn't even think about how much you, of all shoppers, so did not need to be buying half a dozen stale, chocolate, sprinkled donuts (and maybe i'm not one to talk, but i wasn't the one buying that shit) until after you barked - I HAD TO MOVE YOUR CART - and then scowled at me for an uncomfortable length of time without even blinking.

after avoiding your glare by noticing that you really didn't need to be buying donuts, i also noticed, you were taken aback by my response. nothing more than so i heard as i walked away.

even still, i didn't quite realize how bad the things you were obviously saying were until, obviously rattled by the fact that i wouldn't engage in your craziness, you said i ... i ... i revised my statement. i revised my statement to concern your behavior only, not necessarily you as a person. i ... i ...

now, this would have been the perfect time to turn around, and explain to you in no uncertain terms that i am not whatever the hell you called me and that, in fact, i was trying to be courteous to the 415 people in the chip aisle by leaving my cart aside. and perhaps even acknowledging that my behavior may have been somewhat inconsiderate and apologizing for my blockage of the donuts that would so shortly be blocking your arteries. and maybe if you weren't so obviously fucking crazy, i would have indulged you.

but i'm glad i just walked away. i'm glad i kept all my smug remarks and explanations to myself. i'm also glad that giant was particularly packed on this late sunday afternoon, and that a good portion of the 415 people in the chip aisle happened to hear your little rampage. i'm glad because this incident was so clearly about whatever crazy things are going on in your life that made it necessary for you to take out your anger on an anonymous shopper who left her cart in front of the day-old glazed donuts and inconvenienced you for all of 3 seconds.

crazy lady, i hope you're a religious woman. first of all, i love the idea of you telling your priest in confession or something that you lashed out at a random young lady at the grocery store. but more importantly, i hope you can come to see that my cart being parked in front of those donuts was most likely a sign from whatever higher being you believe in that it is high time to lay off the donuts.



1 comment:

Golden Silence said...

"stale, iced donuts"


"although i did not get the chance to explain this to you today after you verbally assaulted me at giant..."

That's why I use Peapod...anything to avoid dealing with crowds of people...especially crazy ones.