enough already! an open letter to the media: UPDATE

dear liberal and non-liberal media:

while i'm consistently disappointed with all of you (stewart and colbert excluded, obviously), i thought i had just about figured out how obnoxious and inaccurate you all could be. but friends, you have shown me. i'll say it. uncle. you win. anything. just. stop. please.

i have yet to hear a single person, even those (myself included) who happen to follow celebrity news with some regularity, profess any interest in this anna nicole story. but you all continue to beat this thing into the ground. it's as if all the people who decide what stories to run decided to jet off for some crazy nudist caribbean getaway together, and stammered as they ran out of the office, uh, i don't know. just go with this anna nicole thing. be right back!

two weeks later.

please. i implore you. stop with the anna nicole story. how about this: in a year let us know what happened. because the thing is that we really don't care. please get back to reporting about what americans really want:

astronaut love triangle.

thank you,
s

UPDATE: i have met someone interested in the anna nicole story. this homeless woman that struck up a conversation with me for 20 minutes outside of the starbucks at 20th and penn was dying to talk about anna nicole. she's pretty sure it was the diet pills. we may be seeing her interviewed as an expert (or as the only person not in the media to care) on cnn sometime soon. heads up.

my new favorite phrase

if i were starting a band, i would so name it astronaut love triangle. i'm not gonna lie: i find this to be one of the weirdest and funniest news stories in a while. largely because i get to say or hear astronaut love triangle whenever it comes up.

stalking usually isn't funny. neither is attempted murder and having all those latex gloves in your car. also, adult diapers = gross. but somehow, magically, when you add the word astronaut into a conversation about any of those? hilarity. if she had actually kidnapped or killed the florida prong of the astronaut love triangle (snicker) then it wouldn't be funny. but luckily, the florida prong of the astronaut love triangle (snicker) wasn't fooled by the wig and the trench coat ...

but does anyone else find it a little strange that there's all this analysis about her clear emotional insecurity and distress, and how this happens to successful people, blah blah blah ... i mean, listen. i'm pretty sure a scenario fairly similar to this has probably occurred amongst three wal-mart employees. unrequited love, ending a decades-long marriage for a co-worker who ... turns out ... has a girlfriend, and then confronting the said girlfriend with tears and pepper spray in a parking lot in the middle of the night. i mean, aside from the humor, why are we so obsessed - and why are we spending so much time on her psychological well-being? if it were a wal-mart employee, i'm sure she'd be called crazy as they locked the jail cell, but i doubt there would be the same level of psycho-analysis.

yeah, she's off. clearly. she wore diapers. but i'm sure the wal-mart employee who does the same act and is probably more crazy (wow - the stress of being a friggin astronaut which is every kid's dream versus the stress of making minimum wage and having no health insurance ...)

why don't we give all alleged criminals the same sort of psychological analysis? i don't mean to imply that psychological distress can't cause people to do crazy and criminal things. i most certainly do. this just seems like one of those instances where the criminal system shows its glaring inequalities ....

[stepping of her soapbox]

try saying astronaut love triangle three times without laughing. go on. go on. can't do it, can you? i didn't think so.